21 tweets hand selected by @raiselm
last updated Dec 05 09:06 AM
Humor
Insight
Friends
badbanana
badbanana   And that's why you don't go shopping at the pet store while hungry.
Malkah
Malkah   Suggested Avatar Change Protocol: all new tweets must include description of old avatar. Ex. SQUARE PREVIOUSLY CONTAINED A PANDA/BAT/TURKEY
iatethecrayons
iatethecrayons   Thinking I might try and get my life together in such a way that it makes sense. This not having a 'path in life' thing kind of blows.
Elly Westaway 6:49 AM Dec 5th 2009 via web
Capsaholic
Capsaholic   Finally got a chance to try out my new taser. Anyone know how to clean cat off a ceiling fan?
BrilliantOrange
BrilliantOrange   My streak of not winning Employee of the Month is still alive.
C.m. Velazquez 5:09 PM Dec 4th 2009 via web
debihope
debihope   I will bite the hand that feeds me bullshit. HARD. (And then brush my teeth.)
notorious d.e.b. 5:49 AM Dec 5th 2009 via TweetDeck
rbok
rbok   Sorry, but Jesus appeared to me in a dream last night and told me that I'm ruining Twitter by starring your "Food Baby" tweets.
Rob in Oklahoma 1:13 PM Dec 4th 2009 via Brizzly
DoogieHowser_MD
DoogieHowser_MD   Subway's $5 footlong has fed millions for cheap, but the deal is void for employees, & now they have a bunch of 'starving sandwich artists'.
WadetoBlack
WadetoBlack   If I was watching The Breakfast Club for the very first time tonight, I think I'd be sorely disappointed by the lack of bacon and donuts.
Beef_Tongue
Beef_Tongue   Oh, no. I just starred a tweet I didn?t really read. It was a hot avatar. Sorry. I feel so cheap. Hold me.
Feengrangle Qualis 4:45 AM Dec 4th 2009 via web
CranberryPerson
CranberryPerson   GOOD NEWS: Our three year old no longer wets his bed. BAD NEWS: he crawls into ours to do it.
poeks
poeks   Judging by the taste of Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, I'd say hope and delusion have a pretty disgusting flavor profile.
Jen Oslislo 7:52 PM Dec 4th 2009 via web
GSouder
GSouder   Based on #ff's you new people don't like fart jokes. What the fuck is wrong with you? Twitter is BUILT on fart jokes. And S Media "experts"
KUNG POW CHICKEN 3:04 PM Dec 4th 2009 via UberTwitter
TheDelicateFlwr
TheDelicateFlwr   What's that quote about a cafe mocha valium vodka marijuana latte? I'll have a double.
Fiore Delicato 5:21 PM Dec 4th 2009 via web
FussySaffa
FussySaffa   Going on a 5 day detox. Expect tears, tantrums and lack of stars due to a lost sense of humour. People tweeting about food will be killed
Mrs Joshua Homme 5:47 AM Dec 4th 2009 via BeTwittered
ashamedtosay
ashamedtosay   This morning, the baby and I have decided that he who sleeps in gets no bacon. Another piece for you, my dear and one for me.
I am not telling 6:53 AM Dec 5th 2009 via web
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